THE LIE
“My home surf-break identifies as better than J bay”
My friend James from NJ said this…
…NJ waves suck. J-bay waves are awesome. It’s the conclusion of the famous movie “Endless Summer”… a quest for the most perfect wave in the world.
This quote is basically saying your local sledding hill is equivalent to skiing Utah.
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James is 37 now.
We went to college together.
He lives in a super rich manhattan commuter town very far away from good surf.
Like if you’re a surfer you wouldn’t live there.
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James married an awesome girl, she’s pretty.
She’s a GP at a really famous consulting firm.
“Yeah our plan is to retire early and travel the world.”
-James in 2025
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“My home break identifies as better than J bay”
He was responding to my note on our group thread that said “Malibu first point is a more fun wave to ride than Cloudbreak.”
Why would James respond that way lol?
Deflection right? Sarcastic deflection…
I live in SoCal near some of the best waves in the world.
And James loves to surf.
But he chose to live in NJ next to some of the shittiest waves in the world because his wife is “GP at a really famous consulting firm”…
Oh and the only time the waves aren’t shitty is in the depth of winter (below freezing air temps, ice cold water)…
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I’ve been watching the office again recently.
It’s bleak to me
Super dark.
Work a meaningless job, settle for comfort, and find one person to make it bearable.
Basically the middle class that the masses settle for.
I debate whether or not I should keep watching it.
Because it’s so clearly a transition from the unrealisim of the post rom-com era of the 90s.
So clearly a harbinger for the disconnected app-based marriage-and-kids-as-virtue-signaling world that we’re wrapped up in nowadays.
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James and his wife got pregnant recently.
“Yeah, now we think we need to grind it out another 10-20 years.”
Another 20 years… fuck, man!!
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THE TRUTH
“Obviously they’re getting all the waves! They’re surfing a perfect pointbreak on massive ass fucking boards!”
-frustrated no-name visitor at first point who brought a board that was too small and got absolutely 0 fucking waves during a perfect summer swell at Malibu
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The faces at first point are perfect.
It’s like if you could take the culture of California and turn it into a wave.
Dreamy, long, cruisy, tapering…
Just a perfect shape.
It peels forever on a good day… off into the sunset… and the sun is always shining…
The ride time is so long…
You can style it so beautifully… nose ride it, walk the board, connect sections, do these biggg lay back knee drop turns… or just pump a little, trim, and enjoy yourself…
It feels like you’ve got more than enough time to do whatever you want… and then it’s suddenly over…
Those rides are so dreamy…
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Our brains are hardwired for scarcity.
But our world is abundant… too abundant…
What… 9 billion people?
Probably 100 million suitable mates?
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“My home break identifies as better than J-bay”
Lol dude fuck off…
You just signed up for New Jersey for 30 years… that’s not my problem.
No take-backs with a wife or kids either.
Makes me wonder how many guys would “return” it if it were that easy.
Probably a lot… 50% divorce rate with all that pain in the system…
Seriously… if it were frictionless… how high would that number get?
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Jim and Pam… a sweet lullaby… the death knoll for adventurers everywhere.
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THE QUESTION
After I jotted this down I read a chapter on Romance from Jordan Peterson’s second book.
The TLDR is, if you’re not in a marriage between 21-35 then your life will be suboptimal.
Basically, you’ll regret it.
He drills this in over and over.
The odd thing is it makes marriage seem like a battlefield.
A war that must be had in order to live in peace.
But I grew up in pure heaven. My parents never fought. Are still super attracted to each other. They’re quite happy.
Our house was never a battleground. It was a sanctuary.
Some place you walked into and felt a huge sigh of relief…
Not the fucking opposite.
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Peterson is a troubled soul.
Why not solve for peace first and avoid war altogether?
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I’m also reading Derek Sivers book “Useful Not True”
The TLDR is, facts are simple and not emotional.
Most of the time you’re hearing opinions and perspectives.
We’re social animals, we really want people to reinforce our opinions and perspectives and social scenarios as facts.
Derek sivers is quite happy. He recently told me he despises domesticity, as do a lot of his good friends [lol do a little research on who his friends are].
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I believe god / the universe / whatever is good.
What does good mean?
Well I think one thing it means is multiple solutions work.
So if you’re making statements, axioms, etc… chances are other views / perspectives can also lead to a pretty good outcome.
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I’m single.
From my POV I dodged a couple of bullets.
It makes me so happy every time I think about the day-to-day that those metaphorical “bullets” would have led to.
But from Peterson’s POV, I shouldn’t be happy. My happiness is irresponsible. A denial. A refusal to sacrifice the present for a “better” tomorrow.
I should have to go to war with a domestic partner to be happy. And to enjoy forced romance with the same person I’m going to sleep with for the rest of my life.
The funny thing is I was stuck in that with the same partner for 5 years. It was just awful. Terrible. And I don’t use those words lightly.
Could I have made it work? Yeah. But it would have absolutely sucked.
And now I’m not in it. And I quite literally believe my life is heaven.
“Useful not true…”
Peterson’s narrative is quite useful for his situation. Take a look at his wife… just google it.
Anyways, Peterson’s conviction made me unhappy about my scenario which I was previously happy about.
“Useful not true…”
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Ahh self-doubt…
Here’s the thing.
I don’t really know if I’m right.
Maybe Peterson’s right.
Maybe I’m avoiding. Maybe I’ll be too late. Maybe the social milieu is the way it is for one or another reason… And following my counter-culture ways will end me in a pit of despair.
But I do know I’m happy most of the time… I can tell you that. Confidently.
And if I’m not happy it’s not because of my set-up. It’s usually because I’m caring about some other person’s judgment, or afraid of some perceived threat (that’s not really a threat) that my anxious brain is telling me to be wary of.
And I do know that I’m particularly happy when I’m doing things that I love, and have honed / sharpened / grown over the years (surfing, running, hiking, triathlon, volleyball, writing etc. etc. etc.)
And I do know that finding things that you objectively love. Things that don’t depend on another person. Is a bullet proof way to enjoy life. And the more you practice them, the closer you approach mastery… and mastery… wooh… makes me tear up and get the goosebumps just thinking about it…
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And this marriage stuff…
“Useful not true”… there are multiple solutions to happiness…
- Sivers divorced and is quite happy
- Ferris never married
- Bezos divorced
- Gates divorced
- Vaynerchuk divorced
- Ravikant got married at 39
Marriage… Is it dogma? is it virtue?
Is marrying early good for those who are grasping? Who don’t have a purpose?
Is marrying early bad who are at peace, and do have purpose?
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When I was 19 in college I was having a pretty rough time. I was reading philosophy from a lot of folks who were also having a pretty rough time… And despite their philosophy, continued to have a rough time.
I had this insight that I’ve followed since then… Try and read and follow the philosophies of happy people. Be wary of following philosophies of sad people–particularly if their philosophies don’t make them less sad.
What the fuck is the point of a philosophy if it doesn’t make you happy?
“Useful not true…”
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I was out surfing in Malibu about a week after I wrote this.
I watched this cutie hang 10 on like 3 or 4 waves in a row.
It does an injustice to call it graceful.
It was perfect. The water clear… only a couple people out.
She was just beautiful.
Huge smile the whole time.
Levitating, both toes off a 10 foot board.
Angelic.
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Jordan peterson hasn’t gotten tubed
Jordan peterson hasn’t hung 10
Jordan peterson hasn’t run an ironman
Jordan peterson hasn’t run an ultra
Jordan peterson hasn’t made love to a 10 / 10… (check out his wife)
Jordan peterson wasn’t an investment banker at age 19
Jordan peterson is a pretty normal guy. An average white dude. Who grew up in rural Canada and is extremely smart.
And despite his fame and success, has a good amount of psych problems.
That’s not to say pieces of his advice… or even all of his advice… is not a “good” thing.
I still recite the majority of his rules a couple times a week if not every morning… They’re pretty damn good guideposts.
But again, useful not true… which ones work for you? And at which point in your life do they work for you? And in which scenarios do they work for you?
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“My yoke is easy. My burden is light”
“Seek wisdom, but not to the point you don’t enjoy life”
Life isn’t meant to be war.
Quite the opposite
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I watched that babe… just so beautiful. Such a big smile.
I caught her eye as she paddled back out… totally aware she was snaking me and gonna catch the best wave in the next set.
“Hi” she said with a coy little smile.
😉
Publius
EPILOGUE
In 2026 James, 2 more guys, and myself had another trip planned to Fiji.
James bailed last minute. Lost like 6k. It was because of childcare.
His wife had a business trip.
He said to us the year before “a condition of our marriage is I get one uninterrupted surf trip per year.”
That’s when I opened up this blog post again and read it through. It had been a year since I wrote it.
I decided to publish it after I reread it.
A reminder to be very mindful of lifelong decisions I lock myself into. And the fear, anxiety, social comparisons, conventions, etc. that could lead to locking us into those decisions.
“Hell yeah or no”… another quip that both naval and sivers cite when making these sorts of decisions.
Which is a particularly useful axiom for my way of life.
letters from publius. 